paleo bread. easier than you think!

oh my gawd.  i had no idea this stuff was so easy to make.  and i haven't messed up ONCE!!

looks pretty good, right?  allrighty then. no reason to pay bazillions for your bread fix when it literally takes but 10 minutes of your time (and less than an hour in the oven)!

first off, get thee to a food scale!!  they can be relatively cheap, but when you bake shiite, you really can't rely on teaspoons and cups. 

here's what you need.  

the harder stuff to find is the psyllium husk.  our local Outpost has the following:

since i already own a cannister of the whole version of colon blow, i'll just go w/ what i have.  you can buy the powdered kind.

like i said, 45 grams.  weigh it out first.

then, if you need to, throw it in your spice/coffee grinder (yah, you might want to clean it out first).

and give it a good grind for 5-10 seconds.

throw that in your mixing bowl

then measure out the almond flour the same way.  

142 grams (or about 1.5 cups). 

i used blanched almond flour for this.  

what the hell is BLANCHED almond flour, you ask?  well, um, it's basically just throwing the almonds with their skins on in boiling water for a few seconds in order to loosen their skins.  then they take them out (before they get cooked) and rub off the skins so that when they grind it down into flour/meal, you don't get all those brown bits in with the nice light almond color.  if you don't mind the almond skin bits, by all means, pick up a bag of on unbleached!

so, back on track... 

in the mixing bowl it goes, along w/ the baking powder and the salt. 

mix up the dry, then add the eggs and vinegar.

mix well.

then add your boiling water.

and mix again.

form into 5 bun sized disks (or 4 or 6 - depending upon what you want to eat them with)

and stick them in a 350F oven for 40-45 minutes.  

ok, i forgot to take pictures of the BEFORE.  but...

they should look like this when they're done.

the ones on the left i made w/ leftover tomato dill soup (that i made the varkenkidlets the night before).  i used the same amount of boiling liquid, just watered it down a bit.  turned out pretty much the same texture. 

and, yes, i know i said it makes 5 buns, and five are perfect for a good sized deli sandwich, but the left one was the tomato dill i did.  wanted smaller buns for soup.  and the right?  well, the varkenhusband wanted burgers.  so i made them bigger.   

Basic Paleo Bread/Buns

makes 5 buns

142 grams almond flour (about 1.5 cups)
45 grams psyllium husk (about 5 TBSP) GROUND
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt (Celtic sea salt is the preference of paleo nuts)
2.5 TBSP apple cider vinegar
3 egg whites (i've used both large and xtra large w/ comparable results)
1 cup - 2TBSP BOILING water (7 oz)

Preheat oven to 350F.  Mix dry ingredients together in medium sized mixing bowl (almond flour, psyllium husk, baking powder, salt).  In a separate bowl, mix the egg whites and vinegar.  Mix in w/ dry ingredients until stiff dough is formed.  Add boiling water (the dough will puff up a bit).  Mix until no more lumps are visible.  The dough will get stiff again.

Separate dough into 5 portions (or 4 or 6).  Place on baking sheet (either on Silpat or parchment paper OR greased pan) and bake for 40-45 minutes.

Remove from oven and let cool completely.

all hail to the kale (chip)

easy peasy.

this stuff doesn't even last an evening around our house.  and, if it did, the varkendaughter would steal the rest of it for her lunch the next day.

all you need is a pile of kale.  any kind.  this just happens to be the normal kind, a little long in the tooth, but perfect for baking.  if it were more green and pretty, i would massage it into a salad and eat it raw.  but, as it is, we're looking a little sad.  so snackland we go...

FIRST, preheat your oven.  325F should do.

so, anywayze...  one bunch of kale.  get rid of the tough stems in the middle.  you can use a knife or just the pure brute force of your hands.

it should look something like this:

and then you should end up with a pile of something like this: 

and another pile of something like this:

now throw that first pile into this:

(yes, it's a compost bucket, if you haven't seen one before.  and those little white things beside it?  those are eggshells from lunch)

ok, then.  now throw the useable kale into a mixing bowl and drizzle a TBSP or TWO of EVOO (yah, a shout-out to my most-hated NONchef, whatsername).  you don't have to go full 365, TJ's has some perfectly acceptable extra virgin olive oil, too.  this was just on sale (miraculously).

and a tsp or TWO of this (we like a lot of it in our house).

no, of course, i didn't buy this here.  it's a Slovak original.  but i keep filling the jar and keep it in the spice shelf, just to keep the natives on their toes...

(pssssst, it's GARLIC)

oh.  and don't forget a handful of kosher salt and a few turns of the pepper grinder.

then toss it all on to a baking sheet (or two - you don't want the mixture to be too crowded, or it won't crisp up properly).

time to pop it in the 325F oven (you did remember to preheat, right???).  it should look like this after 10 minutes:

now switch the pans around.  (top goes to bottom, bottom goes to top).  you have to do this in my oven, or the top sheet pan burns well before the bottom sheet pan even starts.

it should look like this after 20:

if it does, take it out.  otherwise, turn off your oven and let it sit for JUST A FEW MINUTES.  many a kale chip has gone from under to over in an oven in the OFF position for me...

and watch out for small children.  they often sneak in to destroy dinner before you have a chance to offload the kale chips from the pan!!

Kale Chips

1 head Kale

1 or 2 TBSP olive oil

1 tsp granulated garlic

salt and pepper to taste

Separate kale from stems, roughly chop, then mix w/ olive oil and seasonings.

Divide evenly onto two baking sheets and bake in 325F oven for approximately 20 minutes, switching sheetpan placement after 10.

Let cool.  Store in papertowel lined storage container, if they last that long.

how to beat your me... uh, pork.

ok, so it seems a few people aren't too comfortable in the kitchen.

i decided to restore my crappy Chinese fud blog and fill it w/ easy paleo recipes.  mostly cuz i don't know how else to do it. 

so, here was dinner tonite:

i know, not the prettiest of plates or presentation, but i was working w/ my eye-phone WHILE i was cooking.  and it was a last minute thing.  if this thing works out, i'll set up my tripod and my canon...

looks good.  not so hard.  here's how we start.

first, we get a pork tenderloin.  Sendiks has them.  whatever you do, DON'T buy them already injected with all that crap!  they do sell them plain-jane.

then we make a cut down the center - not too deep!

and we carefully "butterfly" the pork so we can pound the living daylights out of it and get it nice and thin.  

like this:

easiest if you slip it in a plastic bag, or between some plastic wrap sheets.  and just bang away at it till it's uniform in thickness.  

of course, you can also ask your friendly butcher to butterfly the loin for you, but you still might have to pound your own pork.  i would have said beat your own meat, but that really would be rude.

you can do this while you're frying your paleo friendly bacon.  i suggest you just fry up the whole package.  you'll only need a few slices.  and some of the reserved fat, but you can always use the bacon tomorrow... 

now dice up a medium sweet onion.  don't bother being too careful w/ the uniformity.  you're not on Top Chef...  

next, do the same w/ a package of crimini mushrooms (yes, of course you can use white button mushrooms - just get some mushrooms).  you can slice.

or dice.  

this is probably my favorite ingredient.  i like to drive to the Chinese market and buy a vat of it, already peeled...

if you haven't been to the Chinese market lately, you'll have to peel and chop your own.  three or four oughtta do...

you can see that the mushrooms and onions have already been browning in a little of the bacon fat.  when they're just about ready, throw in the smooshed and chopped garlic.

now's the time to season.  grab a little flake salt (not too much at first maybe 1/2 a tsp) and a few healthy grinds of black pepper.  and, if you have it, some rosemary, thyme, and sage.

OR...  you could just add some of this to your mix.  it has a couple of added ingredients - like sage and bay leaves and (yes) more garlic.  but i've found it to be an easy addition, and a nice mix.  in fact, you may want to consider heading to Penzey's right now just to get a few spice blends!

oh, and while you're waiting the three minutes it might take the garlic to soften, grab a bag of baby spinach.  

now give it a good chop.

and thow it in the pan till it's all wilted.

now turn off your saute pan!

and take the pounded pork out of the bag.

salt and pepper it just a bit...  

and spread just enough of the mixture on it to leave a bit of room on all sides (you have to be able to roll it, you know)

don't forget the bacon!  take out a few slices from the stuff you just cooked and crumble it up.

now sprinkle it on top of the mixture

and ROLL.

then tie.  if you can't tie, then grab some toothpicks and kind of "sew" it together

i've given you a headstart on the tie-ing part

i suggest you throw the tied loin back in your saute pan w/ a little extra bacon grease to give it a good sear before you put it in the oven (about 375F is nice) for a little under 45 minutes.  

ideally, the internal temp should be around 145F.  see?  i'm pretty close.  and mine took about 35 minutes.  but then, i have an old oven and everything i do happens by chance.  lucky me tonite! 

viola.  as in singing violins.  not bad, says the varkenhusband...

Rolled and Stuffed Pork Tenderloin

1 pork tenderloin, (they generally run 1.5 lbs)
1 medium onion, diced
8 oz mushrooms (your choice) sliced or chopped
3 cloves garlic, chopped
1 5 or 6oz bag baby spinach, chopped
3 or 4 slices bacon
reserved bacon fat
1-2 tsp Penzey's Bavarian Seasoning OR
(a total of 1-2 tsp rosemary, thyme, and sage)
salt
pepper

Fry bacon in saute pan until crisp.  Remove from pan and drain on paper towel.  Drain and wipe pan clean of bacon bits.  Add back 1 TBSP bacon fat.
Saute onions and mushrooms on medium heat until onions are soft and mushrooms have reduced, about 10 minutes.  Add garlic.  After no more than 3 minutes, add chopped spinach and stir until wilted.  Turn off heat.

Add mixture to flattened pork tenderloin, then add crumbled bacon to top.  Roll and secure w/ butcher's string or toothpicks.

Add 1 TBSP reserved bacon fat to same saute pan.  Sear pork on high heat turning to get all sides, 5 minutes.  Place in 375F oven for 40-45 minutes, or until internal temp reaches 145F.

Remove from oven and let rest 10 minutes.  Slice and serve.